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What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Ugh but profoundly
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery