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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsg氓rd: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Listen I don鈥檛 wanna be bent over a balcony. I鈥檓 in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: I鈥檓 not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
the things my dad sends my mom 馃槶馃槀
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
This selfie angle isn鈥檛 to make me look thin, it鈥檚 so you can check me for lice