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Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Only short people can save us
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons