🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
hmmm
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
President The Rock Obama
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.