🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
You Might Also Like
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.