🤣🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Important reminders
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?