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I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close