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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.