🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
cats when you pet them too long:
