🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮