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me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
He instantly became one of the bros
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Stop being racist to kettles.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.