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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
seems like a niche market
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!