You Might Also Like
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
