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i’m laughing very hard in real life
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.