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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
