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There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.