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[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Breaking news:
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
