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I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.