Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

you gotta be faster

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.