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“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
car not found
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.