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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.