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Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
LA today:
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree