🤣🤣🤣
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THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Couple goals
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.