🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Baller is short for ballerina
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
⛄️
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!