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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.