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Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.