🤣🤣🤣
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I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.