Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

it be like that

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better