🤣🤣🤣
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
this came to me in a vision
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.