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Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.