🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have