🤣🤣🤣
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I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Meanwhile in Portland…
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides