🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields