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Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.