🤣🤣
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Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
S O O N
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*