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but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough