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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing