🤣🤣
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got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid