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We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
🖕🏻👽
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
This week’s mood.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
