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The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
you could not pay me to delete this app
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus