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I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.