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Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.