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Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
this FaceApp is creepy af
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there