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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.