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The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not