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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Help
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
X-tra spooky blend
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam