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Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Always this one for me forever
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT