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Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.