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please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I wanna be friends with this person
HOW DARE YOU
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
