You Might Also Like
There is wisdom there.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.