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Revenge served cold
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
do u think theres a butter planet?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”