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Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
inside you are two wolves
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”