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“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the caf茅 opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that caf茅”
I hate celery. 馃ぎ馃ゴ
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I鈥檝e got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they鈥檙e wearing.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you鈥檝e done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i鈥檓 on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Group therapist: What鈥檚 your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn鈥檛 have amnesia. She owes you money.
Let鈥檚 get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You鈥檙e killing it today, Brent
Welcome to your 40s, your gum鈥檚 flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
馃ぃcould you imagine
