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We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
True
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Warm pools make me nervous.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”