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The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me