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*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!