You Might Also Like
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
is it earth
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
Wasps: bees, but not helping
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me