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[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Fights fire with marshmallows
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath