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Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
What about second breakfast?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.