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Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago