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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
◾️
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.