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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I’m tired tomorrow.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
We’ve all been there…
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?