You Might Also Like
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
craving $300 all of a sudden
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
The Friday File.
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.