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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.