馃ぃcould you imagine
You Might Also Like
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I鈥檓 freaking the hell out.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year鈥檚 calendar on the fridge*
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
cashier: how鈥檇 you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
The only reason I know it鈥檚 February is because the M&M鈥檚 are pink.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn鈥檛 know we were fighting.
My wife鈥檚 stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
The bank says I can鈥檛 afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they鈥檙e so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let鈥檚 go with a bag
Inventor: but they鈥檒l get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Be your mom鈥檚 favorite by not having to make her count to three.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 馃巸
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I don鈥檛 have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren鈥檛 we all