🤣could you imagine
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wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?