Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

he chose this

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.