🤣dope
You Might Also Like
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas