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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.