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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start