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[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
