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All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Omg 🤣
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Breakfast for Stoners:
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first