🤭😂
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
*jazz hands*
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs